After reading this post last week I realized some things about myself and my own journey. I have got to be truthful with myself if I am going to change so it is time to lay it on the line and put it all out there for the world to see. It is not going to be pretty but I have to do this in order to grow and learn to love myself. This is my journey, my life and it begins today!
As she said, when we gain the weight back it reflects in everything that we do…we procratinate about everything and let ourselves go as well as everything around us. I really see this in myself. I have been doing this my whole life but it has been alot worse this past year. I had a really rough year in 2008. I got a DUI, lost my license, my brand new truck, two jobs and the respect of my teenage daughter. Needless to say, after a year like that I started packing on the pounds again.
Last year at this time I was doing pretty good for myself. I had lost about 60 pounds and was feeling pretty good about myself. I had a good job. My teenage daughter and I were getting along pretty good. My house was finally paid for and I was working on getting my truck paid off. It seemed the only thing that I was lacking was companionship. I was lonely. And this is what led to my downfall.
The city I live in is fairly small and there is not much to do around here so it kinda limits your options for meeting people. Needless to say I started going to the local bars in search of companionship. I am somewhat shy until I get to know people so when I first started going out I just sat in the back and people watched. It took a month or two before anyone would really even speak to me. During this time I was still in the process of losing the weight also. Anyway, after about a month or so a few men started coming up to me but they were not really “my type” so I was polite and just refused their requests to dance. I couldn’t figure out why I only seemed to attract the “losers” until my daughter suggested I try changing up my style. I am a tomboy at heart and it shows in the way that I dress. Apparently it was a turn-off to men because I went from t-shirts, stretchy pants (cuz I can’t find jeans that I like to fit me) and work boots to dressy glittery shirts, jewelry and heels….and the men started coming out of the woodwork.
After awhile I met this guy and he seemed to like me as much as I liked him, life was good…or so I thought! After only a couple weeks of dating things took a turn for the worst and it just went downhill from there. We went out one night and I got a little trashed, ended up wrecking my truck and getting a DUI. Luckily neither of us was hurt as well as no one else. I spent my first night in jail that night. This was the first time in my 36 yrs. that I had ever been in any real trouble with the law, hell I had never even seen the back of a police car until that night. So, I spent the night in jail and the next morning had to call my father to come and get me. That day was to be the beginning of a vicious cycle of drama for me.
I came home and had to call my boss to tell her the bad news. Then after some calling around to the local towing places I found out I had totaled my brand new truck that I had been paying on for the last two years. Then I tried to get in touch with the guy I had been seeing who was with me that night…I had no idea if they let him go or put him in jail as well so I called around to his friends and family to see if they knew where he was and to tell them what had happened. He had left his phone at my house that night so I was able to get in touch with his boss as well as his mother to let them know what had happened. They both said that they had spoken to him and he was okay but that he had been locked up too. I told them to tell him to get in touch with me so that I would know he was okay but they all said that he thought I was pissed at him so he was scared to call me. I should have known then that he was fucked up in the head and a piece of shit but I was too trusting and liked him too much. I didn’t blame him…I was the one who had made the stupid decision to drink and drive! So anyway…after about 3 days he finally calls me and asks if he can come by to get his phone. I say “okay” and try to tell him that I was not mad at him. He shows up later that day to pick up his phone and tells me that he thinks I am mad at him and maybe we need a break. Of course I am upset because I do not blame him at all but he just can’t seem to get it through his head and I still really want things to work out between us. A few days after that he finally calls and says he still wants to see me. I had another older vehicle at home so after the 10 day waiting period was up I could drive again until my court date so I get in the car and go get him. Within a few days he decides that we can work it all out and he asks to move in with me. He was fresh out of jail when I met him…shoulda known not to mess with him but I’m hardheaded and try to give everybody a chance. I found out later that he was just trying to get away from living with his parents cuz they were trying to get him to straighten up. Anyway…so I let him move in with me. It lasted about 3 weeks and then one night he tells me he wants to go visit his parents so I drop him off and tell him to call me when he is ready to come home. He never calls me and won’t answer his phone when I call him. I go to his parents house and they say he’s not there. I find out a couple days later that he had hooked up with a girl who stayed in the same trailer court as his parents. I go out that weekend to the place that I know he will be and lo and behold I find him with “her”. I don’t like drama so I wait until I can get him alone and tell him to come get his shit out of my house and proceed to flirt with every guy that I know he knows for spite. The next day he shows up and gets his stuff, says he’s really sorry…blah blah blah! I go on living my life and trying to start over and then a few weeks later he calls me up and tells me that he was wrong and he’s sorry and he made a mistake. Me being the forgiving person that I am, I take him back. It lasts a few weeks again and he pulls the same shit only this time we are at the bar and she shows up and next thing I know they both disappear when I go to the bathroom. I am devistated but I will not let him know that he has hurt me. I go on about my way and enjoy the rest of the night. I flirt with his friends and end up taking one home with me that night…for spite. I really liked this guy but I wasn’t gonna let him see me break! I just couldn’t understand why he was doing this to me? I really believed he liked me but kept telling myself that because he had been locked up for so long that he just didn’t know what he wanted and was afraid of committing to someone. Needless to say…the same thing happened again…twice he had left me for her and twice I had taken him back. I let him do it to me once more but this was finally the straw that broke the camels back. I was done. While I was seeing him I met and became friends with one of his female friends. She and I started hanging out together all the time because she was single too. We went to all the local spots and had some good times. Everytime I would see him out…with or without her…I made it a point to let him see that I was moving on. I flirted with all his friends and even slept with a few of them just to get back at him. I know…this did not make me the better person but damn it felt good to watch him cringe when he saw me with his friends! I made it a point to go to all the places I knew he would be so that he would eventually have nowhere to go…unless he wanted to see me…lol! Eventually he quit coming out altogether. Last I heard he is back in jail again.
During all of this I also lost the respect of my daughter. She looked up to me because I have always prided myself in being a strong woman and I had never let a man get over on me like this before. She told me that she had lost respect for me because I was letting him treat me like shit and because I let him cheat on me and kept taking him back. We fought alot during all this and she even got up in his face one night and told him what she thought about him. I was really proud of how strong I had made her from my prior examples even though I wasn’t doing too good being an example the time.
As for what happened with the jobs…During the time that I was messing with this guy I had managed to become somewhat of a drinker. I have always been a drinker really but I usually only drank on the weekends when I didn’t have to work. While I was with him…I drank every day! It started showing in my work performance because I came in late a couple times and I called in once or twice because I was hungover. In the four years that I was with the company I had only called in once. I had even came to work with a broken toe and worked like that for 3 weeks until it healed on its own. Anyway…it started showing in my work performance because I would come in hungover and probably reeking of alcohol so they ended up firing me. I immediately got another job and vowed that I would not let that happen again. Right after I got this job is when I got rid of him too. I came in and did my job every day but there was a lady there that did not like me. I really don’t know why she didn’t like me but I assume it was because I had more experience than her at the job and I was a threat to her because of that. She was next in line to get a promotion and there was talk among the other employees that I might be getting the job instead of her. It turned out that they did as promised and gave her the job as asst. manager. Next thing ya know the manager was found to be embezzling from the company so they bumped her up straight into management after only being the asst. manager for 3 weeks. Needless to say she had the power then so she got rid of me as quickly as she could. I was not even given a reason for why I was fired. Unfortunately I live in a “right to work” state, which means they can fire you for no reason at all…no explanations. I didn’t know this until I got fired and tried to get unemployment. So there I was, one week before Thanksgiving with no money in the bank, no ride, no license, and no money to give my daughter anything for Christmas. I slipped into a severe depression and had thoughts of killing myself. Apparently I decided to take the long slow way out. …eat myself into the grave.
So that is where I am now. It has been four months and I have had no luck at finding a job. If it wasn’t for my wonderful and supportive family I would probably not be here today. My father has helped me with my bills and the state has helped with foodstamps. When I was working the last job I had applied for foodstamps because the check there just wasn’t cutting it. I was lucky to bring home about $200 a week on a good week. Of course the bills added up to way more than that a month but the state doesn’t consider cable, a phone, or a vehicle to be necessary so they don’t compute that into your case. Needless to say the amount of foodstamps I received was pitiful ($35 mo.) to say the least and my daughter and I have lived off oodles of noodles and sandwiches and junk for months now. This makes it really hard to diet also because the foods that I can afford are laden with salt and preservatives but you do what you have to in circumstances like this. I hate myself for it now but as I said I had slipped into a depression and was not getting things done the way I should have so I probably could have gotten a little more help and more foodstamps if I had tried hard enough but I kept hoping that things would change and I would get a job so I procrastinated and never got around to getting my info to the social worker so she could do a review and try to get us more help until the other day when she sent me a letter. They raised my foodstamps ($216 mo.) and signed me up for medicaid so thats a good thing.
I know this was bad and I admit it was my fault for procrastinating for so long but that is just how things have been. I can’t seem to get my shit together right now, not only with the weightloss but everything in my life it seems. Now that I look back and think about the last few months, everything in my life has suffered because of the way I have been. I went from being a good hard-working full-time employee to a lazy woman who sits around and cries about not having a job but who is not really doing anything to rectify the situation. I sit here day after day hoping a job will fall into my lap rather than getting off my lazy ass and hopping on a bus and going to look for one, seriously! My house is suffering because I don’t do all the weekly cleaning and daily chores that I used to. I’m not a clean freak but I did pride myself on keeping a fairly decent home. Now I sit on my butt and just do the only stuff that has to be done, like laundry and dishes. I might mop the floors and clean the bathroom every 2-3 weeks. You would think that since I have all this time on my hands now that I am not working I could be cleaning my house and getting things done around here that I used to complain about not having time to do when I was working, but NO…I sit here and surf around the internet and whine and complain. I have got to break this cycle! I could be out there walking and exercising to get this flab off me, but NO…I just sit here and play on the computer and waste time. I could be out there REALLY trying to find me a job, but NO…I’m too busy checking out who’s on myspace and surfing other peoples blogs and wishing I had the life I used to have.
THIS HAS GOT TO STOP! I HAVE GOT TO GET MYSELF UNDER CONTROL! I CAN’T KEEP GOING LIKE THIS!
Uggh! After going back and reading through this a couple of times I can see that I am a wreck. I have got to do something about myself and my situation. I can’t pretend anymore. Things have got to change and the only one who can make them change is me. I can’t keep making excuses and just sitting here and doing nothing about this. I have got to put my big girl panties on and deal with it…before it is too late! It is finally starting to warm up outside which is a huge blessing, I can’t use the excuse of it being too cold outside to walk anymore. I can’t keep depending on the state and my family to keep me up. I have never been one to depend on anyone so this is all new to me and it makes me feel worthless.
I don’t know how I let myself get so low but I have got to do something about it now! I can’t continue on like this. This is it for me. I am done. Expect a whole new attitude from me starting today!
